Rejection acts like a tree with a bitter root. It can only produce bitter fruit. Listed below are some examples of the fruit rejection produces:
Inability to receive love.
When someone who is significant in our lives has rejected us, it makes us feel unworthy. It establishes a root belief that if we are unworthy, we are unlovable; therefore, we are unable to receive love.
Inability to love others.
The root of rejection destroys our ability to trust others. We are reluctant to allow ourselves to get into close relationship with others. Obviously, if we can't get close to another person, we can't consider loving that person.
Insecurity.
After we have experienced rejection by someone significant in our lives, we don't know whom we can trust. Subconsciously, we walk through life as if we were walking on eggs. We always expect betrayal or criticism to be right around the corner.
Withdrawal.
Because we feel vulnerable in the presence of others, we feel there is safety in isolation. Our natural tendency, therefore, is to withdraw from the mainstream of society.
Suspicion.
Our inability to trust others breeds suspicion of everyone. We never really know when we might be rejected again.
Inferiority.
Because we feel unworthy, we naturally feel inferior to others. This inferiority is reflected in our relationships and in our work.
Social Shyness.
Social gatherings are painful to us because we feel we are surrounded by superior people who look upon us as we look upon ourselves. Although this is not true, our mind-set will not allow us to think differently.
Fear of failure.
We are convinced we are incapable of accomplishing anything as well as others can accomplish them. Our low expectation of ourselves is usually reflected in our willingness to stay in jobs or relationships that require little of us.
Fear of man.
Because we look upon everyone else as superior to ourselves, we rarely initiate anything on our own for fear of being criticized. We prefer to be told what to do and when and how to do it. Our only problem from that point is to follow directions accurately.
Fear of rejection.
We discussed this in an earlier lesson. The fear of rejection keeps us from ever being our real selves. We are always in a performance mode, hoping to please others.
Self-rejection.
This was discussed earlier, also. We consider ourselves to be misfits, with no place in society.
Daydreaming/fantasizing.
Because we fear reality, we have a tendency to live in a world of our own fantasy. We are safe in this world of fantasy, never challenged, always victorious. This is an obvious form of withdrawal. It can only generate an unhealthy personality.
REASONS FOR REJECTION
PRENATAL REJECTIONS:
1. Conceived too soon after marriage.
The newlyweds may have planned to wait for some time before starting their family The baby becomes an intrusion in the parents' plans, and is rejected.
2. Conceived too close to the birth of a previous child.
The parents groan under the realization that they will be caring for two babies in diapers at the same time. They had planned to space the birth of their children further apart. The baby is therefore rejected, because its birth is deemed untimely.
3. A financial strain on the family is created.
The baby was not planned. It comes as an accident, and is blamed for putting additional stress on an already strained budget.
4. Fear of failure.
Fear of childbirth pain, fear of complications, or fear of bearing a deformed child may cause the mother to wish she had never become pregnant.
5. Conflict between the parents-to-be.
The marriage may be on the verge of divorce; therefore, it is not considered to be the proper time to have a baby arrive.
6. Contemplated or attempted abortion.
In this case the rejection is extreme, in that the parents consider murdering the baby through abortion. Mounting evidence indicates the baby is aware its life is threatened Even though the abortion may not actually be carried out, or is not successful, the desire the parents had to kill the baby is registered in its awareness.
WRONG SEX PREFERENCE.
A child may be very much wanted until it is born. The sex preference is a serious matter with some parents. However, no matter how strong the personal preference might be, it can be very destructive to the child for the parents to reject it because of something over which the child had no control The sex was predetermined by God and should be accepted by the parents.
Many parents are deeply disappointed over the sex of their children. The rejection of the babies may not be done maliciously, but done, nevertheless, with no understanding of the consequences.
When this wound occurs, the devil is quick to take advantage of it. Parental rejection due to the wrong sex sometimes causes boys to become effeminate, and girls to become masculine.
A child who is rejected because it is the wrong sex, will sense this at a very early age. They will often seek to gain parental acceptance by performing as one of the opposite sex.
Consequently, a child who is rejected because of its wrong sex may grow to hate and reject itself. Rejection of one's own sexuality can ultimately lead that person into homosexuality. PHYSICAL PROBLEMS
A baby may be rejected at birth because it is born with imperfect physical features, or imperfections such as Mongolism.
VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES:
The wound of rejection may occur if for any reason the child is deprived of a close relationship with the parents.
Examples:
a) Rejection may come to a child if the child is left with others while the mother works outside the home.
b) The father may work long hours away from home and may not be able to have quality time with his child.
c) Any time the parents devote too little time to their child, the child will usually sense their absence as rejection.
d) Some children are given up for adoption. For the child, this may translate to abandonment by the parents. If so, this produces a severe wound. Although adopted children may be well loved by the adopting parents, many are unable to receive love or to return love adequately, because the wound of rejection has already occurred.
e) The death of one or both parents creates a severe wound in the personality of the young child. The child, who is now an orphan, cannot comprehend what has happened to his parents. He relates their disappearance from his life as abandonment.
f) Divorce is a very disruptive force in the life of a child. The wound may be deepened if the child has been subjected to an atmosphere of strife and conflict in the home.
g) Jealousy in a home is also a disruptive force. An older sibling in a growing family is often forced to compete with a younger brother or sister for parental attention. The new rival may be looked upon with jealousy. To a young mind, seeing someone else on Mother's lap may indicate, "Mother loves baby instead of me."
VICTIM OF ABUSE.
1. Verbal abuse.
Some children seldom hear a kind or encouraging word. Instead they are berated ridiculed, cursed and teased. Typical put-downs that burn deep wounds in the childs memory, are:
… "I wish you had never been born!"
… "You can't do anything right!"
… "You will never amount to anything!"
… "You are stupid!"
… "I wish you were dead!"
It is difficult to measure the injury that occurs to children who are constantly abused with such cruel words.
2. Physical abuse.
The physically abused child is immediately filled with fear and confusion. There is no doubt in its mind that it has been rejected. Deep down, feelings of anger, and a desire to get even and to punish, begin to build. Because the child has an abusive role model, he is likely to become an abuser, himself.
3. Sexual abuse.
The child who has been subject to molestation develops an inability to be open and warm with people. He usually displays a victim mentality, and lacks the ability to trust anyone, especially authority figures. Because he has been "used" in an unnatural way, he feels the pain of rejection.
Session Four . . . The Fruit of Rejection and Reasons For Rejection
Personal And Group Exercise (see page 109)
1. Why does rejection produce such a great amount of negative fruit?
2. If we feel we may have been rejected in the womb, what can we do about it?
3. If we were told our parents wanted a child of the opposite sex when we were born how should we respond?
4. If you were an adopted child, how should we view our adoption?
5. If we were verbally or physically abused as a child, what can we do?
6. If we were sexually abused as a child, how can we overcome that trauma?