Session Six


Forgiveness


Matthew 18:21-35: "Then Peter came and said to Him, 'Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a certain king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. And when he had begun to settle them, there was brought to him one who owed him ten thousand talents. But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment be made.

The slave therefore falling down, prostrated himself before him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will repay you everything. And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt.

But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, 'Pay back what you owe.' So his fellow slave fell down and began to entreat him, saying, 'Have patience with me and I will repay you. He was unwilling however, but went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed. So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their lord all that had happened.

Then summoning him, his lord said to him, 'you wicked slave; I forgave you all that debt because you entreated me. Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, even as I had mercy on you?' And his lord, moved with anger handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him.

So shall my heavenly Father also do to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart?"

We can see from this scripture, spoken by Jesus Christ, our Lord, that forgiveness is a serious matter. Throughout the Bible we find God's "prescription" for us when we are offended: forgiveness. We find that when we refuse to forgive, we suffer as a direct result. Our lives are severely damaged when there is unforgiveness in our hearts.

To forgive is to "release from judgment," and to "give up the right to get even." When we do not release others from our judgment and give up our right to get even, we place ourselves in the position of the man in the story above who was unwilling to cancel the debt of his fellow slave.

His judgment upon his fellow slave was in his own mind. He had the power to decide to cancel the debt and release the judgment. He had the power to decide to throw his fellow slave into prison, and "get even." The decision he made set into force the judgment that came back upon him. If we are not willing to forgive, we will not progress in wholeness, and we will not experience inner healing.

The problem is that we have been unwilling to forgive, or we didn't know it was necessary to forgive, or we may not have been aware that we held unforgiveness in our hearts. But it is very clear that forgiveness is a key relational issue in all the scriptures.

Forgiveness will bring healing into our lives. It is the spiritual ointment God uses to soothe our emotional wounds Forgiveness removes the sting from the wound. And in many instances it restores relationships that have been broken.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with feelings. It is entirely dependent upon our will. If we wait until we "feel" like forgiving, we will never forgive. The decision to forgive is made with our will, and we submit our feelings to God. He will change our feelings in due time.

Forgiveness has no bearing upon the consequences we experience because of our previous sins. Some people believe if God forgives us for our sins, we won't face any consequences for what we have done. That isn't true. Gods forgiveness of our sins and the consequences of our sins are two different things.

For example, let's say you are on the roof of a building, and you look down and say to yourself, "It looks as if the ground is about 20 feet down. I believe if I jump down I will make it all right." So you jump, and you break your leg. You then realize what you did, made no sense. You pray, "Lord, I ask you to forgive me for being so stupid. You gave me better sense than that." God will forgive you for your stupid act, but you still have the broken leg.

The forgiveness of God has nothing to do with the consequences we have established for ourselves. We will always face consequences because they are a direct effect of something we have caused to happen. But those consequences have nothing to do with God's forgiveness.

One of the reasons we don't forgive could be that we don't understand what forgiveness is. We have some incorrect concepts about forgiveness. Some of us think we have forgiven but we have not. Let's take a closer look at what forgiveness is and is not.
FORGIVENESS IS NOT:

1. Overlooking the wrong done to us.

We like to believe that if we overlook a wrong done to us, it will go away. In reality it does not. Overlooking something is not forgiveness; it is a form of repression or denial.

Some of us were hurt by what people said or did as we were growing up, and we tried to overlook those things. But the truth is, they had a great effect upon our lives. Repressing and overlooking offenses does not mean we have forgiven. If there is still pain inside, it is a sign there is probably unforgiveness still inside.

2. Excusing or whitewashing the wrong done to us.

When we try to make excuses or water down an offense, we are actually trying to tell ourselves that it really wasn't as bad as it seemed. This is justifying or rationalizing, but it is not forgiveness.

3. Psycho-analyzing a person's nature to explain why he did the wrong to us.

It is important that we understand exactly what happened, but understanding and forgiveness are two different things. While Jesus was hanging on the cross, He said, Forgive them for they know not what they do. As we come out of chemical addiction, we may be able to analyze our actions, but we really can't explain them away.

Knowing what has motivated a person to behave the way he has will help us forgive that person. But knowing is not the same as forgiving. We can know about a person, and we can even know why he behaved the way he did, but still not forgive him. Understanding a person's behavior doesn't mean we have forgiven him.

Sin is moral stupidity, it is unexplainable The Apostle Paul said, The things I do I do not understand. (Romans 7:15) So we must know that we don't base our forgiveness upon understanding. That means we don't have to understand in order to forgive.

Some people spend years in self-help and therapy groups, trying to analyze their childhood and understand why their parents mistreated them. They are often disillusioned to find they are no better off after their efforts than before they started. Forgiveness is the key that unlocks us from the binding judgments we formed in our painful past.

We have to look at ourselves before we can experience healing. It is possible for us to say, "I understand why my father acted the way he did. I understand where he was coming from, but I just can't forgive him."

If we are unwilling to get beyond our feelings and make a decision to forgive, we will never be able to receive God's healing in our lives. We may finally understand the reason for a person's behavior, but if we dont have the will to forgive, there will be no forgiveness for either party.
4. Taking the blame for the wrong done to us.

This happens often in child abuse. Taking the blame is not the same thing as forgiveness. It is proper for us to take the blame for our reaction to the experience. But if we were physically, mentally or sexually abused as a child, it was not our fault. If we take the blame for it, that is not forgiveness.

Many of those who have been sexually abused have the blame imposed upon them. Many young victims are told it was their fault, that they had a part in it. If they are convinced it was their fault and they take the blame that is still not the same as forgiveness. It may create the feeling of forgiveness toward the abuser, but that is only because the anger has been turned inward.

All the above reactions are improper attitudes, which reflect internal problems and misunderstandings. We short-circuit what God wants to accomplish in us if we attempt to substitute any of these attitudes for forgiveness.


FORGIVENESS IS:

1. Facing the specific wrong done to us.

We can neither excuse it nor rationalize it. We have to be honest. Listed below are six words. Taking each word independently, close your eyes and picture in your mind specific events related to them.

a) Rejection.

Picture events in which you may have felt the need for love and acceptance, but it was withheld from you; you wanted attention, but you were ignored.

b) Neglect.

A typical example of neglect in an alcoholic family is when the parents spend money on liquor instead of purchasing food or other essentials.

c) Injustice or unfairness.

This is when the punishment doesn't fit the crime. You may never have known whether you were going to be hugged or slugged. It also may have been difficult for you to figure out what brought on the different reactions.

d) Cruelty or brutality.

This could have been either physical or verbal. Verbal cruelty always identified you with your actions. For example, you were not told you did something stupid, you were told you were stupid because of what you did.

FORGIVENESS



Our normal behavior in the flesh is to begin with a thought, filter thought through our emotions, then act according to the way we feel about it. In the is process, our emotions dictate our behavior.


In our walk with God, we still experience emotions, but we don’t allow them to dictate our behavior. When God speaks to us through His word, we determine to act accordingly to His word, bypassing our emotions which retard us. This is an exercise of our faith. We obey, and trust God to take care of our feelings.
e) Betrayal.

Adultery is an example of betrayal in a family. Adultery is a betrayal of the love and trust of one for another. The pain of betrayal is felt, not only by the spouse who has been betrayed, but also by the children in the family.

f) Abandonment.

When a child is abandoned by his parents, the trauma produces deep roots of painful rejection. When a loved one leaves a home without good reason, the abandoned spouse and children suffer greatly. Broken homes register as abandonment in the minds of children.

Were you able to get in touch with some specific events? This is an important exercise, because the first thing we have to do is face the specific wrongs that have been done to us. We must deal with them specifically, not in generalities. The Holy Spirit works in specifics.

Another title for the Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Truth. It is very important for us to face the truth in those areas of our lives in which we have been hurt.

2. Facing the pain, hurt, etc., not dismissing it with some clich» or saying.

We don't dismiss hurts and wounds with some all-purpose Christian saying. We can quote a lot of victorious sounding scripture, but that doesn't get rid of anything. We need to be careful about trying to sound bold and full of faith because it is the Christian thing to do.

3. Facing and identifying our reaction to the wrong done to us.

Our reaction to our mistreatment may have been a violent lifestyle. We may have been filled with anger and hatred. We may have even committed murder, if not actually, in our hearts. Our intense reactions may have led us far from God. It is important for us to take an honest look at our reactions, how God feels about them, and what we should do about them.

4. Facing the cross.

Ephesians 4:32: "And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. The cross is the point at which forgiveness became possible. No human being has the ability to forgive another human being except for what happened at the cross. We cannot forgive without God's help, and without our understanding of what took place at the cross.

The choice is still ours. We don't have to forgive anybody; God is not going to force us to forgive. Even though He has commanded us to forgive, forgiveness is still our free choice.
1 John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Many of us have a problem accepting God's forgiveness. We don't feel as if God can forgive us because we know we don't deserve to be forgiven.

When we understand what happened at the cross and we see by this scripture that God wants to forgive us, we begin to understand why God does forgive us. He is a loving God, but He is also a just God and, until the episode at the cross, He couldn't forgive us.

There had to be a sacrifice, and Jesus Christ was the provision God arranged. He became the sacrificial Lamb to redeem all mankind. Through that sacrifice came the forgiveness of sin. Our responsibility is to be willing to receive God's forgiveness.

If we don't accept God's forgiveness, we place ourselves on a higher plane than God. It is like saying, "No!" to God, "I will not accept your forgiveness!" It becomes obvious that we must lay our feelings aside and act on God's Word. That is the decision of our will that enables God to set us free.

There are two parts to forgiveness, the human part, and the Divine part; our part and God's part. We can't do God's part, and He will not do our part. The human part is the crisis of the will. "Am I willing? Do I will to forgive somebody?" That is our decision. If we do not "will" to forgive, forgiveness will never take place. But we must understand if we are unwilling to forgive, God will not do our part.

God's part is to change our feelings. We are responsible for submitting our will to God, regardless of how we feel. We are not to go by our feelings. God will change our feelings after we have made our decision to forgive. As we step out in obedience, God will change us. If we refuse to forgive, that means we are reserving the right to get even; therefore, we are cutting off God's forgiveness.

We should also understand that when we are unwilling to forgive, we are bound to the person we refuse to forgive. Forgiveness sets us free. If there is someone we are unwilling to forgive, our unforgiveness becomes a hook that binds us to that person. If we are willing to forgive, God will remove the hook. What God wants from us is a submissive will.

Our natural tendency is to use this process in our daily life:

1. We think. 2. We feel. 3. We act.

Our emotional feelings are seldom correct; nevertheless, we process everything through this method.

First: Something negative or hurtful is brought to mind.

Second: We react by feeling anger, hatred, or resentment.

Third: We make a decision based upon our negative feelings. Many people get drunk simply because they are angry, they act based upon their feelings.
We don't have to follow this process. The crisis of the will is to make the proper decision, regardless of how we feel. There are some mornings, when the alarm goes off, that we feel like staying in bed. But we make the decision to get up. We ignore how we feel. After we get up and get going, our feelings change. To do this, we have had to make a decision to go against how we felt.

That is what we are facing where forgiveness is concerned. We have to short-circuit our emotions, and not be governed by them. We understand that the Word of God tells us we are to forgive. Even though we may be hurt or angry, nowhere in God's Word does it say, "Forgive, if you feel like forgiving."

When it comes to forgiveness, the Lord is not concerned about our emotions. He does not expect us to get our emotions lined up in order to forgive. He simply wants us to submit our will to His will, and to forgive, regardless of how we feel.

Our attitude should be, "Lord, I don't feel like forgiving, but I submit my will to Your Word. I am willing to forgive." That is the human part, that is the crisis of our will. When we take the attitude that we will no longer move on the basis of how we feel, that is our decision to obey God's Word.

Our emotions will then begin to harmonize with our decisions. God will take over and change our feelings. We don't have to labor to change our feelings. Our responsibility is to submit our will to the will of God. God will then change our feelings.

The Bible, although written long ago, was written for us today. It is always current. The Bible will relate to our lives if we apply it to our every day circumstances. If we need to forgive and we are willing to forgive, God has arranged for that forgiveness to take place.

If we are not willing to forgive, we have not entered into repentance. Forgiveness is an act of repentance. We have been walking away from God, harboring bitterness, envy, and malice in our heart. Repentance means to turn around, to turn away from our worldly ways and to turn back to God.

This is where we start. Repentance begins when we say, "Lord, I'm going to be obedient to what You tell me. I'm going to turn from my way, and follow Your way." We begin by agreeing with God. We make a 180-degree turn away from darkness toward God, with a willingness to walk in His light.

We understand the truth as God states it in His Word that we need to forgive. We make a decision based upon that truth, regardless of how we feel. This is the point at which we will begin to be set free.



Homework: Look back at a certain event in your life in which you need to forgive someone. Write the name of this person and the violation committed against you. Bring this to the next class, prepared to participate in a relational exercise of forgiveness.



Session Six . . . Forgiveness


Personal And Group Exercise (see page 111)



1. Why does God place such priority upon forgiveness?






2. Why is it so difficult to forgive someone who has hurt us?






3. Why is it important for us to face the pain, plus our reaction to it?






4. What part does the cross play in forgiveness?






5 Why is forgiveness not an emotional thing?






6. What part does repentance play in forgiveness?


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