Broken Bridges

Session Two


Broken Bridges


Many people come from dysfunctional homes. That doesn't necessarily mean alcoholism or drug abuse is in the home. Alcohol and drug abuse are merely forms of dysfunction. There are many forms of dysfunction, but to simplify the term, any home in which Christ is not the Head, is dysfunctional.

Physical abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse, or even a highly demanding parent can produce dysfunction in a home. The parent who requires constant perfection initiates a climate of performance orientation in the home. The child is prompted to perform to receive love and attention. This is a dysfunctional home atmosphere.

Psalm 139:13-15: "For thou didst form my inward parts; Thou didst weave me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to Thee, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Thy works, and my soul knows it very well.

In this passage of scripture, David talks about the time of our formation in our mother's womb God formed our inward parts. God created us. There is a very important sense of connection while we are in our mother's womb. Of course, there is a physical connection through the umbilical chord, but there is also another connection. It is in the form of love and acceptance. This connection provides a feeling that all is well. It is a feeling of acceptance and security.

A certain phenomenon exists with all babies. If they are not shown love, if they are not touched and cuddled, they will die. As a matter of fact, that can happen even in the womb, when the babies are unwanted. That phenomenon is called marasmas. It is a gradual and continuous wasting away of the body. The phenomenon of marasmus proves there is a definite need within us for connectedness.

We are all born into connected relationships. Unless there is the threat of abortion or adoption while we are in the womb, we will probably feel connected and we will have a sense of love and acceptance.
As our lives unfold, we experience situations that bridge or connect us to people. One very important bridge is the act of touching. That is one of the reasons this program encourages hugging. The act of touching brings an extra dimension into the relationship. Touching is a bridge that connects people. Also, when we feel secure and accepted in the presence of others, that bridges us to them. It tightens our relationship, and promotes connectedness.

Often, our bridges of connection with people become broken. Sometimes they are repaired and reinstated, but many times they are not. For instance, our father may have disciplined or spanked us because we did something he told us not to do. During the spanking there was probably a lot of fear and anger in us.

The bridge between our father and us may have been temporarily broken. But after he disciplined us, if he sat us down and said, "I love you, and that's why I disciplined you," that bridge was repaired.

Many of our early bridges are repaired in that fashion. In early childhood we tend to experience broken bridges very easily, but some of those breaks are merely hairline fractures. Such breaks can usually be repaired with a kind word and a hug. The problem comes when we experience a broken bridge that does not get repaired. This problem is most common when we are raised in a dysfunctional home.

Breaks of this type disconnect us from the assurance of security and acceptance and love that we need. If our father tells us we are useless, we are nothing but a burden, the family would be better off if they had never had us, that creates a deep break. With such a break, all of our connection and our feeling of security and acceptance leave immediately.

Breaks of this type can produce guilt and shame and anger and fear. When bridges are broken in this manner and never repaired, the disconnection from love and security begins to widen. This may cause us to react by striving to bridge the gap with over-achievement and performance. We begin to do things to get attention because we have been disconnected

We were deeply wounded by those things that were said and done in our meaningful relationships. As a result, we reach out, we strive to make these relationships work. We are striving to restore what should be there naturally, but that bridge has been broken. We can no longer trust the people we once trusted, we can no longer depend upon what they might do or say.

At this point, fear creeps into us. We feel shame, and we feel unworthy. When Dad says to an eight-year-old child, "You're never going to amount to anything," that statement inflicts a deep wound. Unfortunately, the break is never repaired unless Dad apologizes and says, "I was wrong, I never should have said that. I love you, and you are going to amount to something."

If that repair is not made, our belief system kicks in, and the destructive statement from our Dad becomes a part of us. We begin to believe what was told us, we begin to feel that Dad was right, and we begin to behave as if it is a fact.

As this process continues to grow, we begin to feel guilty about the things we should do but aren't doing. We may even begin to feel responsible for things that are happening in our family.


BROKEN BRIDGES




THIS DIAGRAM ILLUSTRATES THE NEGATIVE IMPACT IN THE BREAKS IN HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, AND THE DIFFICULTIES WE INCUR IN TRYING TO RECONNECT. ALL OUR EFFORTS ARE SUBTITUTIONAL UNTIL WE EXPERIENCE CONVERSION.

Our emotions take over and we become very angry. We ask ourselves questions, such as, "Why can't I have parents like the kid down the street? Why doesn't my daddy love me like Sam's daddy; loves him? Why do my parents have to be alcoholics?"

We feel miserable. We have lost the connection that is very necessary to us. God created us with that need built in. After the disconnection, we do not deliberately look for alcohol or drugs as a lifestyle. We look for a way in which we can be reconnected. We want what we had before. We search for the intimacy of a meaningful relationship. We long for the trust, love and acceptance we had before the bridge was broken.

As we continue this search, many of us try chemicals as a way to reconnect, be accepted and loved. Chemicals give us a feeling of worthiness. When we are under the influence of chemicals, we enter Fantasyland. We see ourselves as we wish we were instead of as we really are. We also see situations as we wish they were instead of as they are.

This diversion from the truth anesthetizes our pain. Through this whole distorted process, we are really trying to get back to where we were when we were safely connected, the place for which God created us. We are trying to restore our relationships.

It is easy to see that the more disconnected we are, the more dysfunctional we become Also, the further our disconnection becomes, the more we try to reconnect. As we fall into chemical addiction, our behavior becomes more bizarre.

We are still trying to re-establish something that is missing, something that God ordained for us to have. What we don't understand is that re-connection can only begin when we come to God. Reconnection cannot begin in relationships with other people. It can only begin in a relationship with God.

Reconnection begins at conversion. It begins at the time we invite Jesus Christ into our heart. After the reconnection process is underway, there are still behavior patterns with which we have to deal. This is true even though we have received Christ. We still have to work with the dysfunctional behavior that has become a part of our lifestyle

When we receive Christ, our behavior patterns are not immediately eliminated. But this is the point at which we begin to reconnect. Everyone who has come from a dysfunctional home must go through this process.
Although we have been trying to recover from the hurts and wounds of our childhood and the disconnection in our relationships, the first thing we have to recover from is drugs and alcohol. We first have to recover from what we hoped would be the solution to our problem. After we have dealt with the addiction, we will then be free to return to the point at which our breaks tock place and deal with them effectively

There is a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt relates to behavior, while shame relates to identity. Guilt says "I made a mistake," but shame says, "I am a mistake." Shame is a powerful influence. Many addictions are shame based. If we were told we were a mistake and we accepted it as true, that broke a bridge and established a shame base.

Rejection, unworthiness, insecurity, and low self esteem all issue from bridges of relationships that were broken. Accompanying these breaks in relationship is the fear of being unprotected.
If we are told we are no good, our immediate sub-conscious reaction as a child is, "If I'm no good, I'm not going to be loved, and I'm not going to be protected." That reveals an area of our lives in which our security has been taken from us. When we attempt to recover that broken bridge, we are actually trying to recapture our security.

As we begin to deal with inner healing and reconciling relationships, there is something we must understand. If we want the Lord to work in our past, we must be willing to let Him work in the present. We must be willing to be reconciled in our present circumstances before we can expect to go back and be reconciled to past events.

We will not be able to resolve an incident that happened ten years ago if we can't resolve something that happened today. If we are not in intimate relationship with our spouse and with God, we can't expect God to deliver or to heal us from something that happened ten years ago.

Broken bridges are very serious wounds. Because of this, we need to allow the Lord to show us the breaks in our lives. We probably have forgotten some of the things that were said or done to cause the breaks. God will reveal them to us as we ask Him. We have probably repressed most of the incidents. We should begin immediately to pray for God to reveal them to us.

An estimated ninety-five per cent of the people who enter a rehabilitation program had a poor relationship with their father. They may lack any father relationship at all. It may not be entirely the fault of the father, but that really isn't important.

It doesn't matter whose fault it is. Our purpose is not to find fault, our purpose is to receive healing. To accomplish that, we have to bring our breaks in relationship before the Lord and let Him heal those areas in our lives.

Sometimes we cannot reconnect with someone, because that person is not open to us or is no longer living. But we can reconnect to God. We can't change other people, but God will show us how to love them and forgive them right where they are. God will give us His insight and His wisdom concerning our broken relationships.

We may still desire a close, intimate relationship with a particular person, but that is sometimes impossible because of the attitude or condition of the other person. However, God can still heal those hurts and wounds of the past. He will make the reconciliation possible from our end, even if the other person is not open to it.

Not all relationships can be restored, but all wounds inside us can be healed. We may never be able to have the intimate relationship we want with certain people, but we will discover that we no longer have to carry around the hurts and the wounds that we suffered from that relationship.

As we bring these things before the Lord, He will enable us to begin to understand the people who have hurt us. Understanding them is not the same as forgiving them, but understanding helps give us insight as to what happened. That is an important part of the healing process. It is much easier to forgive and to be set free when we understand more about others, about ourselves and about God's principles.
Actually, that is what healing is about. Forgiveness is the key to healing. For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions. (Matthew 6: 14,15)

When we are unwilling to forgive, we are reserving the right to get even. God is unable to forgive us until we are willing to forgive others and seek forgiveness ourselves. Forgiveness is a spiritual law from which we cannot escape. Like the law of gravity, "What goes up, must go down." If we judge others, the very same characteristic we see in them that we dislike, will be repeated in us until we forgive.

One of our breaks in relationship could be with our spouse, so let's look at co-dependency and how it is formed. As chemical addiction breaks a marriage, the woman naturally looks for reconnection. In the process, she becomes a classic enabler. She begins to behave in a way she believes will bring intimacy back into the marriage

The connection is broken because the husband is out of the home, drinking and drugging. The chemical addiction is the husband's attempt at the recovery process. He tries to anesthetize the pain he feels, the loneliness, the depression, the unworthiness, and the shame

The wife, who has now become the co-dependent, has the same feelings as her husband. She feels shame, guilt, anger, rejection, and abandonment. Her attempt at recovery is to try to solve all the problems. Her behavior becomes erratic as she attempts to fix her husband so the marriage can be reconnected.

There is a major danger in co-dependency and chemical addiction. When the attempt is being made to reconnect a break, the parties involved may look to another relationship. They may try a substitute relationship, thinking if they connect to another person they can regain what they had in the beginning.

Women who have been married to alcoholics for a long time continue to seek the "all is well" connection. They may substitute relationships with the hope that they will feel reconnected. Of course, that will never work. It will always lead back to the same emptiness. The reconnection process can only begin with the acceptance of Jesus Christ.

All the teaching we receive in this program flows together, and we will have occasion to use it throughout the program. Even after conversion, some of our old habits will rise to the surface.
For example, euphoric recall will still come into play, especially as we begin to feel good again physically, and fresh mentally. BUD will also happen. We have been involved with chemicals a long time, and it will take a while to return to complete normalcy.

In addition, we should know that we are dealing with spiritual warfare. Satan really wants to destroy us, and he will shoot tempting thoughts our way, such as, "Everything is all right, the pain is gone; therefore, we can go celebrate." We must remember that Paul said, "I have not arrived." This is probably a direct contradiction to how we feel and think. We may have our spouse back, sobriety, good feelings, money in our pockets, and a job. We may feel, "We have arrived!" Euphoric recall plays on that.
A final word, the things we say with our mouths have a tremendous influence upon people in our relationships. We must understand, especially those who are parents, that our words are very, very important.

Everything we have covered in this session has occurred because of the tongue of someone with whom we had a meaningful relationship. Physical abuse is bad, but the tongue is capable of total life destruction.


HOMEWORK: Write with as much detail as possible, a hurtful event that occurred in your childhood. Describe who hurt you, where you were hurt, how old you were, etc. Then determine that person's responsibility and what you are accountable for.
Session Two . . . Broken Bridges


Personal And Group Exercise


1. Describe a bridge of connectedness.






2. If an important bridge was broken when we were young, how does that affect us?






3. Why do we choose chemicals as a method to repair a broken connection?






4. What is the only way reconnection can begin?






5. How is it possible that our ignorance of God's principles could be part of our problem?





6. How important are the words we speak to others and the words they speak to us?


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