Children-Spouses – Close fellowship
God
calls us to love people. However,
before we get into that, we need the warning of not being trapped into unholy
relationships under the guise of “unconditional love.”
First things first!
We do have to beware of some people who would drag us down. You must be
very cautious about all your relationships because it could cost you your
soul! God’s wrath will come on you
because of your close relationships with evil people.
Unholy
relationships can corrupt. Haggai
2:10-13 says, “On the twenty-fourth day of the
ninth month, in the second year of Darius, the word of the LORD came
by Haggai the prophet, saying, ‘Thus says the LORD of hosts: “Now, ask the priests concerning
the law, saying, ‘If one carries holy meat in the fold of his garment, and
with the edge he touches bread or stew, wine or oil, or any food, will it
become holy?’”’ Then the priests answered and said, ‘No.’ And
Haggai said, ‘If one who is unclean because of a dead body touches any of these, will it be unclean?’ So
the priests answered and said, ‘It shall be unclean.’”
Just because somebody is your relative, does not obligate
you to have close fellowship with him or her. You need to find out from God with whom He wants you to be
close. Matthew 10:34-39 says, “Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did
not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to ‘set a man
against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law
against her mother-in-law’; and ‘a man’s enemies will
be those of his own household.’ He who
loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son
or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he
who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who
finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.”
We cannot make a doctrine to NOT HAVE fellowship with
relatives, or to HAVE fellowship with your relatives. However, I have personally seen the enemy use relatives to
prolong generational curses in some believers’ lives who would not separate
themselves. Some people make a
practice of family worship, while at the same time attempting to walk with
Jesus. It is like trying to
straddle a fence, eventually it will tear you right down the middle, and you
will be trapped in spiritual death.
People will attempt to manipulate you, especially if you
have a good heart and are merciful.
Jesus never allowed people to manipulate Him, and He was the perfect in
mercy. He only did and said what
He heard and saw His father do while He was in prayer. The key to staying safe is to stay in
contact with God on a daily basis, and He will protect you from harm as you
interface with people.
1 Timothy 6:5 says, “useless wranglings of men of corrupt
minds and destitute of the truth, who suppose that godliness is a means of
gain. From such withdraw yourself.”
Jeremiah 9:4-6 (NIV, 1984) says, “‘Beware of your friends;
do not trust your brothers. For
every brother is a deceiver, and every friend a slanderer. Friend deceives friend, and no one
speaks the truth. They have taught
their tongues to lie; they weary themselves with sinning. You live in the midst
of deception; in their deceit they refuse to acknowledge me,’ declares the
LORD.”
There are times we are called into fellowship. It will be with our spouse, our (minor) children, or
perhaps a circle of believers that God calls us to fellowship with. These God-ordained relationships require
a different attitude; an attitude of unconditional love which leads to our
growth and their growth.
Proverbs 26:26 (KJV) says, “(He) whose hatred is covered by deceit, his wickedness
shall be shewed before the whole congregation.”
Hebrews 10:24-25 (KJV) says, “And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and
to good works: not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye
see the day approaching.”
Oftentimes God puts us into contact with people, and
because of that contact, our real selves are made known, and who we really are
inside is revealed.
The
Christian life and the family life are not to be lived individually, but as
part of a “body”.
Why is
this? God created us to have a
deep need for relationship with Him and with others around us. So often we close up with other people
because we get hurt or we don’t trust them. I understand that, I have been tempted to feel that
way. But the Lord has always reminded
me that withdrawing from relationships that have hurt is not His answer. What would happen is I would lose
something eternally in my heart that needed to be developed.
There is another purpose God has for putting us into family
and church relationships. When we
are in groups like this, the worst in us comes out and the hidden things that
need to be changed are brought to the surface. If a lake has pollution in it, the best thing to do is to
stir it up. A good storm helps the
junk rise to the top; then the scum can be scraped off.
Jeremiah 31 says the heart is deceitful above all
things. We cannot
know what garbage is in our heart except that God shows us. Sometimes He brings us around other
people so we will recognize those problems in our hearts. Too often we blame others, but we
should be looking at our own heart first.
In Ephesians 4-6 God was teaching Spirit-filled believers
how to stay in contact with God by treating others properly. He was not teaching legalism, but he
was attempting to give them the knowledge that they needed to stay in good
relation with God.
The following is a passage taken from Ephesians 4:21-6:9
which says,
“…if indeed you have
heard Him and have been taught by Him, as the truth is in Jesus: that
you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt
according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your
mind, and
that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true
righteousness and holiness.
Therefore, putting away lying, ‘Let each one of you speak
truth with his neighbor,’ for we are members of one another. ‘Be
angry, and do not sin’: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give
place to the devil. Let him who stole steal no longer, but rather let him labor,
working with his hands what is good, that he may have something to give him who
has need. Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good
for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. And do
not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of
redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be
put away from you, with all malice. And be
kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in
Christ forgave you.
Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as
Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice
to God for a sweet-smelling aroma. But fornication and all
uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting
for saints; neither
filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but
rather giving of thanks. For
this you know, that
no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any
inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you
with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the
sons of disobedience. Therefore
do not be partakers with them.
For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as
children of light (for
the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness,
righteousness, and truth), finding
out what is acceptable to the Lord. And have no fellowship
with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to
speak of those things which are done by them in secret. But all things that are
exposed are made manifest by the light, for whatever makes manifest is light. Therefore He says:
‘Awake, you who sleep, arise from the
dead, and Christ will give you light.’
See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time,
because the days are evil.
Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the
Lord is. And do not be drunk with
wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in
psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart
to the Lord, giving
thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus
Christ, submitting
to one another in the fear of God.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of
the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the
body. Therefore,
just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in
everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church
and gave Himself for her, that
He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her
to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but
that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love
their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his
own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His
body, of
His flesh and of His bones. ‘For
this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife,
and the two
shall become one flesh.’ This
is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each
one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and
mother,’ which
is the first commandment with promise: ‘that it may be well with
you and you may live long on the earth.’
And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but
bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.
Bondservants, be obedient to those who are your masters
according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in sincerity of heart, as to
Christ; not
with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will
of God from the heart, with
goodwill doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men, knowing that whatever good
anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord, whether he is a slave or free. And you, masters, do the
same things to them, giving up threatening, knowing that your own Master also is in heaven, and there is
no partiality with Him.”
The bottom line is that God wants us to treat others with
His unconditional love, not our human type of love. The only way to do that is to turn our character into His
character, and the only way to do that is to bring the scum to the surface, the
un-Christlike things out into the light.
The quickest way to do that is to get around a family or a group of
believers in fellowship or in church.
The people around you, especially children and teenagers, will
sometimes act foolishly because some of their expectations are unmet. What they really need is unconditional
love.
The human heart will disguise what it wants. Instead of asking, it disguises
it. It does not give a direct
request.
The human will also disguise who he/she is, and manipulate
to get what he/she wants by using the disguise. People take on a false identity to obtain what they
want. This is the result of
mankind believing the LIE.
Expecting others to meet your desires will lead to
disappointment (Hebrews 6:4).
Human love falters (Micah
7:5-6).
James 4:1-2 says (paraphrased), “What causes fights, relational breakdowns? They come from personal desires that
may be of the flesh, and are unmet.”
Some desires are casual, critical, and crucial.
The answer is to change your focus. Change your
focus from always thinking about your desires, and perhaps what is wrong with
the other person, to what is wrong in your heart. This is always the safest place. You can’t do anything to change the other person’s heart
anyway. If your heart is proper
before the Lord, you have nothing to worry about. When our focus is on the other person and their faults (real
as they may be), then we are always trying to change them. Quite often that gets into manipulation
and control which is witchcraft and is not God’s way of dealing with people.
When we feel like another person is blocking our desires,
we get upset. We are not really
depending upon God to fulfill our desires as in James 4.
“Where do wars
and fights come from among you? Do
they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot
obtain. You fight and war. Yet you
do not have because you do not ask.
You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it
on your pleasures” (James 4:1-3).
Conflicts
will happen. Do we handle people
selfishly?
Everyone needs unconditional love; only the Spirit of God in us
can do that. When I say
unconditional love, I do not mean that we need to just lay down and let people
walk all over us, nor do I mean that we need to give everyone everything that
they ask for, even if it is wrong.
What I mean is that we need to interact with them not out of selfish
motives, but out of love.
Selfishness says:
1. I do not want
this pain that this relationship is causing. So, I will either remove myself from this relationship, or
2. I will do anything
to keep peace, even be dishonest.
Separating yourself from a relationship may be God’s will;
however, it is not His will with your children and your spouse. For others, only you and God can
determine that.
Giving anything to maintain peace is selfish. What you are saying is that I cannot
stand the pain so I will fake it.
Both of the above methods are selfish and do not provide
ministry to you or to the other person.
We need to face relationships honestly even if it
causes pain. You need to
become totally dependent upon God for the outcome and state to Him your
inability to handle this. We need
to show our children, our spouses, and others whom God has entrusted us with,
our interest in working things out without condemning them and without
withdrawing. We need to stay
involved no matter how much it hurts.
I am not saying we must agree with the wrongs, but we must stay
involved, especially if it is our children or our spouse. You can only stay involved with an
outsider so long, and then you must let them go.
If your motive for your actions is what will make you more
comfortable, you are not in God’s will.
If your motive is to please God and to attempt to minister to this other
person, you are on the right track.
A major focus during any conflict, even with your children
needs to be that you are seeing this as an opportunity for you to grow
spiritually. Usually, spiritual
growth comes from some sort of conflict, pain, or trial. If you see this as an opportunity to
allow God to glorify Himself in you and in this situation, you will grow. If you look at it from a selfish point
of view, your children and spouse will never be close to you and you will
destroy any relationship possibility.
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