God calls us to love people. However before we get into that, we need the warning of not being trapped into unholy relationships under the guise of “unconditional love”
First things first! We do have to beware of some people who would drag us down. You must be very cautions about all your relationships because it could cost you your soul! God’s wrath will come on you because of your close relationships with evil people.
Unholy relationships can corrupt. Haggai 2:10-13 says, “On the twenty-fourth day of the ninth month, in the second year of Darius, the word of the LORD came to the prophet Haggai: ‘This is what the LORD Almighty says: `Ask the priests what the law says: If a person carries consecrated meat in the fold of his garment, and that fold touches some bread or stew, some wine, oil or other food, does it become consecrated?'’ The priests answered, ‘No.’ Then Haggai said, ‘If a person defiled by contact with a dead body touches one of these things, does it become defiled?’ ‘Yes,’ the priests replied, ‘it becomes defiled.’’”
Just because somebody is your relative, does not obligate you to have close fellowship with him or her. You need to find out from God who He wants you close to. Matthew 10:34-39 says, "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law-- a man's enemies will be the members of his own household. Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”
We cannot make a doctrine to NOT have fellowship with relatives, or TO HAVE fellowship with your relatives. However I have personally seen the enemy use relatives to prolong generational curses in some believer’s lives who would not separate themselves. Some people make a practice of family worship, while at the same time attempting to walk with Jesus. It is like trying to straddle a fence, eventually it will tear you right down the middle, and you will be trapped in spiritual death.
People will attempt to manipulate you, especially if you have a good heart and are merciful. Jesus never allowed people to manipulate Him, and He was the perfect in mercy. He only did and said what He heard and saw His father do in while He was in prayer. The key to staying safe is to stay in contact with God on a daily basis, and He will protect you from harm as you interface with people.
1 Timothy 6:5 says, “and constant friction between men of corrupt mind, who have been robbed of the truth and who think that godliness is a means to financial gain.”
Jer 9:4-6 says, "Beware of your friends; do not trust your brothers. For every brother is a deceiver, and every friend a slanderer. Friend deceives friend, and no-one speaks the truth. They have taught their tongues to lie; they weary themselves with sinning. You live in the midst of deception; in their deceit they refuse to acknowledge me," declares the LORD.”
There are times we are called into fellowship. It will be with our spouse, our (minor) children, or perhaps a circle of believers that God calls us to fellowship with. These God ordained relationships require a different attitude; an attitude of unconditional love which leads to our growth and their growth.
Proverbs 26:26 26 says, “He whose hatred is covered by deceit, his wickedness shall be shown before the congregation.”
Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “and let us consider one another to provoke to love and to good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching.
Oftentimes God puts us into contact with people, and because of that contact, our real selves are made known, and who we really are inside is revealed.
The Christian life and the family life are not to be lived individually, but as part of a “body”. Why is this? God created us to have a deep need for relationship with Him and with others around us. So often we close up with other people because we get hurt or we don’t trust them. I understand that, I have been tempted to feel that way. But the Lord has always reminded me that withdrawing from relationships that have hurt is not His answer. What would happen is I would lose something eternally in my heart that needed to be developed.
There is another purpose God has for putting us into family and church relationships. When we are in groups like this, the worst in us comes out and the hidden things that need to be changed are brought to the surface. If a lake has pollution in it, the best thing to do is to stir it up. A good storm helps the junk rise to the top; then the scum can be scraped off.
Jerimiah 31 says the heart is deceitful above all things. We cannot know what garbage is in our heart except that God shows us. Sometimes He brings us around other people so we will recognize those problems in our hearts. Too often we blame others, but we should be looking at our own heart first.
In Ephesians 4-6 God was teaching Spirit filled believers how to stay in contact with God by treating others properly. He was not teaching legalism, but he was attempting to give them the knowledge that they needed to stay in good relation with God.
The following is a passage taken from Ephesians 4:21-6:9 “Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbour, for we are all members of one body. "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.
For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person--such a man is an idolater--has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no-one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them. For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: "Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.
Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no-one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church.
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honour your father and mother" --which is the first commandment with a promise-- "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. Obey them not only to win their favour when their eye is on you, but like slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart. Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free. And masters, treat your slaves in the same way. Do not threaten them, since you know that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no favoritism with him.”
The bottom line is that God wants us to treat others with His unconditional love, not our human type of love. The only way to do that is to turn our character into His character, and the only way to do that is to bring the scum to the surface, the un Christlike things out into the light. The quickest way to do that is to get around a family or a group of believers in fellowship or in church.
Love cannot prevail unless character is deepened
The people around you, especially children and teenagers, will sometimes act foolishly because some of their expectations are unmet. What they really need is unconditional love.
The human heart will disguise what it wants. Instead of asking, it disguises it. It does not give a direct request.
The human will also disguise who he/she is, and manipulate to get what he/she wants by using the disguise. People take on a false identity to obtain what they want. This is the result of mankind believing the LIE.
Expecting others to meet your desires will lead to disappointment (Hebrews 6:4). Human love falters (Micah 7:5-6).
James 4:1-2 says, “What causes fights, relational breakdowns? They come from personal desires that may be of the flesh, and are un-met.” (Paraphrased)
Some desires are casual, critical, and crucial.
The answer is to change your focus. Change your focus from always thinking about your desires, and perhaps what is wrong with the other person, to what is wrong in your heart. This is always the safest place. You can’t do anything to change the other person’s heart anyway. If your heart is proper before the Lord, you have nothing to worry about. When our focus is on the other person and their faults (real as they may be), then we are always trying to change them. Quite often that gets into manipulation and control which is witchcraft and is not God’s way of dealing with people.
When we feel like another person is blocking our desires, we get upset. We are not really depending upon God to fulfill our desires as in James 4.
“From where do wars and fightings among you come? Is it not from this, from your lusts which war in your members? You desire, and do not have. You murder, and are jealous, and cannot obtain. You fight and war, yet you have not because you ask not. You ask and receive not, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it upon your lusts.”
(James 4:1-3).
Conflicts will happen. Do we handle people selfishly?
Everyone needs unconditional love; only the Spirit of God in us can do that. When I say unconditional love, I do not mean just lay down and let people walk all over us, nor do I mean give everyone everything that they ask for, even if it is wrong. What I mean is to interact with them not out of selfish motives, but out of love.
Selfishness says:
1. I do not want this pain that this relationship is causing. So, I will either remove myself from this relationship or:
2. I will do anything to keep peace, even be dishonest.
Separating yourself from a relationship may be God’s will; however it is not His will with your children and your spouse. For others, only you and God can determine that.
Giving anything to maintain peace is selfish. What you are saying is that I cannot stand the pain so I will fake it.
Both of the above methods are selfish and do not provide ministry to you or to the other person.
We need to face relationships honestly even if it causes pain. You need to become totally dependent upon God for the outcome and state to Him your inability to handle this. We need to show our children, our spouses, and others whom God has entrusted us with, our interest in working things out without condemning them and without withdrawing. We need to stay involved no matter how much it hurts. I am not saying we must agree with the wrongs, but we must stay involved, especially if it is our children or our spouse. You can only stay involved with an outsider so long, and then you must let them go.
If your motive for your actions is what will make you more comfortable, you are not in God’s will. If your motive is to please God and to attempt to minister to this other person, you are on the right track.
A major focus during any conflict, even with your children needs to be that you are seeing this as an opportunity for you to grow spiritually. Usually, spiritual growth comes from some sort of conflict, pain, or trial. If you see this as an opportunity to allow God to glorify Himself in you and in this situation, you will grow. If you look at it from a selfish point of view, your children and spouse will never be close to you and you will destroy any relationship possibility.
ISOB Discipleship Training Manual. Larry Chkoreff (WALK) ( Fellowship with believers)
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