In our first two chapters we emphasized:

1.       God's design for marriage is a blood covenant that demands the "death" of both parties so that His resurrection power can make them one. We covered that this is a mystery that God will only reveal to those that "fear" Him.

         A marriage covenant expresses a relationship that God in His sovereignty initiated.

2.       If your marriage, past or present, has not been based upon this design, then you are most like wounded in your spirit and/or have wounded your spouse.

3.       Those deep inner wounds can only be healed by Jesus, but you must set Him free to do His work through forgiveness and honesty.

In Proverbs 2:4. Solomon states that those who rule should have discernment and understanding. One should seek for the use as one does for silver and search for her hidden treasures.

Notice seeking for the hidden treasures. This implies strenuous effort. Just as the earth does not yield up her treasures to the superficial observer, so Scripture yields up the true understanding of a covenant only to those who are willing to go below the surface and to devote time and steady to search. It may seem difficult for us, but if we pursue with patience, God will yield up treasures of infant worth.

[1] The following passage is quoted from Derek Prince's book, The Marriage Covenant.

The wife's contribution.

Ephesians 5:21-25, NKJV.

"21 submitting to one another in the fear of God.

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.

24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,"

In the passage of Scripture notice that the husband is to give himself for the wife in the same kind of love that Christ loves the church, His bride. Also notice that we are to submit to one another. The wife can only be totally satisfied by submitting herself to a godly husband who has given his life for her. When this is in proper order, then the wife takes pleasure in submitting to the husband for security, protection, and all the other benefits that he is to give to her.

Lets examine what Proverb 31 says about the godly wife.

Proverbs 31:10-31:

"10 Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.

11 The heart of her husband safely trusts her; So he will have no lack of gain.

12 She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.

13 She seeks wool and flax, And willingly works with her hands.

14 She is like the merchant ships, She brings her food from afar.

15 She also rises while it is yet night, And provides food for her household, And a portion for her maidservants.

16 She considers a field and buys it; From her profits she plants a vineyard.

17 She girds herself with strength, And strengthens her arms.

18 She perceives that her merchandise is good, And her lamp does not go out by night.

19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff, And her hand holds the spindle.

20 She extends her hand to the poor, Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.

21 She is not afraid of snow for her household, For all her household is clothed with scarlet.

22 She makes tapestry for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple.

23 Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land.

24 She makes linen garments and sells them, And supplies sashes for the merchants.

25 Strength and honor are her clothing; She shall rejoice in time to come.

26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, And on her tongue is the law of kindness.

27 She watches over the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness.

28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her:

29 "Many daughters have done well, But you excel them all."

30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands, And let her own works praise her in the gates."

"[In Proverbs 31] But I want to point out one simple fact which is very significant: the beginning, the middle, and the end of the picture all focus on her husband. In other words, the supreme achievement of an excellent wife is her husband. Everything else she achieves apart from that is of secondary value. This is how a woman should measure her achievement as a wife. She is not living out her own life now. Her life is in her husband. She sees her success in him. She rejoices in his achievements more than in her own.

Notice in Proverbs 31 verse 11 the first statement about this excellent wife, 'The heart of her husband safely trusts her; So he will have no lack of gain.' He does not have to go out in the world and make himself a millionaire to prove himself. His wife's approval is sufficient for him. Many men strive unceasingly for success in business or other fields primarily out of a desire o prove themselves. Usually their root problem is that they never had the assurance of approval in their own homes &endash; first from their parents and later from their wives. Consequently they go through life with a driving urge gain approval and prove themselves. But a man who has the right kind of wife need not depend on anyone else for approval. Hers is enough. Everybody else may misunderstand him, and may even betray him, but he knows there is one person on whom he can totally rely. That is his wife. To be a wife of this kind is a very high achievement for a woman.

The husband's trust in this "excellent wife" is based on one simple but vitally important face: 'She will do him good all the days of her life.'

Let us move on now to verse 23, the central section of this description: "Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land." Again the focus is on her husband. He is a recognized leader among his people, sitting in the gate, the place of honor and authority. Solomon's language is so expressive. "Her husband is known... " In other words, he is known as her husband. Without her support, he would not have been able to hold the position of honor. This principle holds true in most cases where we see a successful, confident, respected man. A great part of what we are really seeing is his wife's success.

Then, in verses 28 and 29, the description closes with the focus on her family-first her children, but finally her husband once more:

28 Her children rise up and bless her,

Her husband also, and he praises her, saying-

29 "Many daughters have done nobly,

But you excel them all." (Proverbs 31. -28-29)

So this description of the "excellent wife"

The truly successful woman--begins with, centers in, and concludes with her husband. He is her supreme achievement, beside which every other achievement is secondary.

What reward does he, on his part, have to offer her? "He praises her." How important that is! Husbands, if you have a wife like this, there is no salary that is adequate for her. You have nothing to pay her with except praise. And you can afford to be lavish with that form of payment because the more you pay, the more you receive in return. So take time to praise your wife. Tell her how sweet she is.

Tell her how good her food tastes. Tell her how much you enjoy seeing the home so clean. Tell her how pretty she looks. Tell her how much you love her. Take time to do it. It is a good investment. You will get back many times over everything you put in.

For my part, as I have already indicated, I can look back over thirty years of happy and successful marriage with Lydia. If I have one major regret, it is that I did not tell her often enough how much I loved her. I did love her, and she knew it. But I did not tell her as often as I should have. If I could live that part of my life again, I would tell her ten times as often.

Let us return again for a moment to the wife's part. How can a wife achieve this kind of success with her husband? I would say that she has two main responsibilities, closely related to each other. The first is to uphold her husband; the second is to encourage him.

In 1 Corinthians 11:3, Paul tells us that "the man [husband] is the head of the woman [wife]." In the natural body, final responsibility for decision and direction rests with the head. Yet the head cannot hold itself up. It depends upon the rest of the body to do this. Without the support of the rest of the body, primarily the neck, the head alone cannot fulfill its function.

This applies to the marriage relationship. As head, the husband has final responsibility for decision and direction. But he cannot fulfill this function on his own. He is dependent upon the body to uphold him. In a sense, the wife's responsibility may be likened to that of the neck. She is the one closest to her husband, on whose support he must continually rely. If she fails to uphold him, there is no way that he can function as he should. Just as there is no other part of the body that can take the place of the neck in upholding the head, so there is no other person who can give to the husband the support that he needs from his wife.

The wife's second main responsibility is to encourage her husband. A man should be able to look to his wife for encouragement at all times, particularly when he least deserves it. If Lydia had only encouraged me when I deserved it, it would not have been what I needed. I needed encouragement most when I deserved it the least. I needed somebody who had faith in me when no one else did. I didn't need a sermon. I didn't need a counselor. I needed someone to trust me.

Encouraging is not an easy thing for a wife to do--especially in times of pressure. It is much easier to reproach or criticize. In fact, encouraging is a ministry that must be cultivated. I believe that many times a wife can transform a bad marriage and an unsuccessful husband into a good marriage and a successful husband, if she will learn how to encourage. But that always means self-denial. We cannot encourage others when we are primarily interested in ourselves. If you and your husband are both feeling miserable, what are you going to do? Tell him how miserable you are, or encourage-age him? To encourage him requires self-denial. But that is the essence of the marriage covenant. You are no longer living for yourself.

This brings us back to our starting point: covenant commitment. This alone can provide the grace and the power that each party in a marriage needs to make it successful. Good advice or a set of rules are not sufficient by themselves to do this. There are a number of excellent books available today which offer counsel and instruction from a Christian view-point on how to have a successful marriage. But in the last resort, Christian marriage will not work without the supernatural grace of God; and this grace is received only as husband and wife yield themselves to God and to one another in covenant commitment.

The Husband's Contribution.

Now we will consider the husband's contribution to the marriage covenant. A good starting place is provided by the words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 11:7: "For a man ought not to have his head covered, since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man.

It is the closing statement that we are concerned with just now, "the woman [wife] is the glory of the man [husband]." This simply takes the same principle that has been applied to the wife and applies it to the husband as well. We have already seen that the success of the wife is manifested in the husband. Now, Paul tells us, the wife is the evidence of the husband's success. She is his glory, his greatest achievement. Uniquely and supremely, she is a living demonstration of the quality of her husband.

A well-known evangelist was once asked about a fellow believer, "What kind of a Christian is he?" "I can't tell you yet," he replied, "I haven't met his wife!" That was a wise answer. Personally, I would never form an estimate of a married man until I had come to know his wife, because she is his glory. If she is radiant and restful and secure, her husband has earned my respect. But if, on the other hand, she is frustrated and nervous and insecure, I have to conclude that there is some area of failure in the husband.

This relationship of the wife to her husband as his glory is beautifully illustrated by a parable from the heavenly bodies: the relation-ship of the moon to the sun. The moon is the "glory" of the sun. The moon has no glory of its own. Its only beauty comes from reflecting the radiance of the sun.

Some years ago, in the NASA center in Houston, Texas, I had the opportunity to see a fragment of rock from the moon's surface that had been brought back to earth by the astronauts. For a while, I gazed at it in awe. Finally, I bowed my head in reverent worship of the Creator as I began to understand the perfect wisdom of His design. The moon rock is dull and unattractive in itself. It has no brilliance or radiance of its own. Yet it is the most highly reflective material that man has yet discovered. Why? The reason, of course, is that it was designed by the Creator for one supreme purpose-To reflect the radiance of the sun. This it will continue to do, so long as nothing comes between it and the sun. But if some other body -for example, the earth---comes between the moon and the sun, the result is manifested in the moon. It loses its light.

All this is a parable that illustrates a much more wonderful work of the Creator's genius --the marriage relationship. The wife is like the moon. She has no glory of her own. Her function is to reflect her husband. When he shines on her, she glows. But if the full, open fellowship between them is broken-if some-thing comes in between-the result is manifested in the wife. She loses her light.

Those of us who are husbands would do well to check from time to time on our performance in this regard. We should be ready to see our wife's condition as a reflection of our own. We males are often quick to notice some area of weakness in our wives even perhaps to be unkind or critical about it. Yet it may well be that the problem we see so clearly in our wife is, in reality, but the reflection of a corresponding problem which has gone unrecognized in ourselves.

What should a husband look for in his wife? What should he accept as evidence that he is fulfilling his responsibility toward her? If 1 had to answer this question in one word, the word I would choose would be security. When a married woman is truly secure emotionally secure, financially secure, socially secure-in most cases that is sufficient evidence that her relationship with her husband is good and that he is fulfilling his obligations toward her. But if a married woman is subject to frequent or continuing insecurity, almost invariably this can be traced to one of two causes: either her husband is not fulfilling his obligation to her, or something has come in between them which prevents the wife from receiving what her husband has to give her.

What are the main practical ways in which a husband should fulfill his responsibility to-ward his wife? I would suggest that they can be summed up in two words: to protect and to provide.

A husband's primary practical responsibility is to protect his wife. She should feel se-cure. She should know that she has a covering. It is unfair to ask women to take many of the responsibilities that are thrust upon them to-day. They may prove to be very efficient; they may even outdo men; but they lose their femininity. In most cases, the true, underlying cause is that the husband has abdicated from his responsibility to protect his wife. A wife should always know that she has someone to stand between her and every blow, every at-tack, every pressure.

A husband's second practical responsibility is to provide for his wife. Scripture is very clear about this. "But if anyone does not pro-vide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever" (1 Timothy 5:8). The word "provide" has a wide application. A husband should see that there is no area of need in his wife for which he has not made provision-whether the need be physical or emotional, cultural or spiritual.

However, one major area in which a husband is responsible to provide for his wife is that of finance. Normally, he should accept full responsibility for her financial needs. A man who does not do this when he can will almost inevitably forfeit some measure of authority in his home. It is hard to separate the earning of money from the right to make decisions about the way the money is spent. But the making of such decisions should be a function of head-ship. If a wife earns as much as, or more than, her husband, it is hard for him to retain effective headship.

We know, of course, that there are exceptions to this. There are husbands' who become incapacitated and unable to work. In such cases, the responsibility for financial provision may fall upon the wife. The marriage vow makes allowance for such cases as this; it covers "in sickness" as well as "in health." However, it is wrong when unfortunate exceptions such as this become the normal rule.

Briefly, now, we may sum up the mutual responsibilities of husband and wife in this covenant relationship of marriage. The main responsibilities of the husband are to protect and to provide. The main responsibilities of the wife are to uphold and to encourage. However, the proper fulfillment of these responsibilities can never be achieved by mere unaided human effort or willpower. It takes something more than that; it takes the supernatural, all-sufficient grace of God. This kind of grace comes only as husband and wife together commit themselves to God and to one another in solemn, covenant relationship. It is the act of commitment that re-leases God's grace.

The outcome of this commitment is a new kind of life and relationship, one which can never be experienced by those who have not first met the conditions. We will go on now to see what is the distinctive character of this new life.

Union Leads to Knowing.

The result of covenant commitment between a man and a woman can be summed up in one word: knowing. A man and a woman come to know each other in a depth and a degree which is not possible in any other way. The verb "to know" in the original language of Scripture has a meaning both wider and deeper than its English counterpart. In Gene-sis 4:1 it says, "And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain." (The New American Standard Bible says, "the man had relations with his wife Eve." However, the King James retains the correct, literal meaning of the original Hebrew.) This is the first time that the word "know" is used in Scripture after the fall. It is also the first recorded occasion that a man and a woman came together in sexual union.

However, the writers of the Old Testament are very precise and discriminating in the way in which they use the verb to know to describe sexual intercourse between a man and a woman. Wherever a man came together with a woman in a covenant union which had the seal of God's approval, Scripture says that he "knew" her. But where it was an illicit relationship, one which God had not endorsed and did not approve, Scripture says that he "lay with" her. The implication is that it is possible for a man to have sexual intercourse with a woman and yet not to "know" her. I believe that this is fully borne out in experience. In-deed, a man may have promiscuous sexual intercourse with fifty women, and yet never "know" one of them.

What, then, is the essential difference between merely "lying with" a woman and "knowing" a woman? The answer can be given in one word: commitment. The essence of sexual immorality is that a man and a woman seek physical and emotional satisfaction from each other, but they have not made a permanent commitment to each other. The pleasure that they obtain in this way is stolen. They have not paid the due price for it.

End of Derek Prince's quote.

Ask for God's fire!

Finally, what will it take for the Fire of God to fall on your life and marriage? Now it is up to you!

As we covered in chapter one that even if your spouse is an unwilling partner, and of course except for real abuse, that your responsibility is to take up your cross. As we discussed, this will put you on God's side. He will be your protector. He will either change your spouse, or give you another solution. But if you do not take up your cross as we have discussed, you cannot expect God to take up for you.

In 1 Kings chapter 18, Elijah and the demonic King Ahab, Jezebel's husband, had a challenge going on. Ahab gathered all his prophets and all the children of Israel on to Mount Carmel.

"And Elijah came to all the people, and said, "How long will you falter between two opinions? If the LORD is God, follow Him; but if Baal, follow him." But the people answered him not a word" (1 Kings 18:21).

Israel was in a state of compromised religion mixed with their idols. Perhaps you marriage is in this state.

In this story, both parties approached the altar with a sacrifice so that the fire of God would fall on it to prove that his whose god was really God. Elijah first allowed the prophets of Baal to attempt to bring their fire on it. Then he asked them if their god was busy or on a journey somewhere.

Before Elijah called upon God he "repaired the altar" and surrounded the situation with human impossibilities, flooding the altar, the wood with water and even filling the surrounding ditch with water.

"Then the fire of the LORD fell and consumed the burnt sacrifice, and the wood and the stones and the dust, and it licked up the water that was in the trench. Now when all the people saw it, they fell on their faces; and they said, "The LORD, He is God! The LORD, He is God!"" 1 Kings 18:38,39, NKJV.

If you repair your altar and call upon the Name of the Lord, His fire will fall on your marriage, on your life, and you will be healed, one way or the other. Leave all the decisions to God.

[1] [1] Quoted from: Prince, Derek. The Marriage Covenant, Whitaker House Publishers, New Kennsington, PA, 1978 &endash; Pages 27-32