The first few chapters of this book were intended to give you a quick and simple understanding of wounds, their effects, and cures. We want to encourage you that God desires to heal you and that He will use a close relationship to Him to do so. We will now show you about the various causes of these wounds and pray that as you read you may be enlightened by the Holy Spirit to recognize such wounds within yourself.
I am not proposing to be an expert on the subject of inner wounds, abuse and inner healing. However, I have learned some things about these subjects from my own experience and deliverance, from the Word of God, from the [1] Inner Healing book, and from my co-editors Michael and Karen. This book is not meant to be a complete clinical manual for inner healing; rather, it is intended to bring you the primary facts about wounds and the primary means of healing them. We believe that God will use our basic understanding and simple style of writing to encourage you, perhaps a simple believer, to pursue wholeness.
Encouragement.
I would like to give an encouraging word to you if perhaps you were abused, rejected or wounded in some way by another person or just by life itself. I want to encourage you if you are struggling with a habit, addiction or an ungodly lifestyle. As we progress further into future chapters, you will be given the solution to your problem, no matter how deep you feel in bondage or how long you have been there. You will not need to live with the feeling of inadequacy all of your life. Many rejected people feel like a constant failure. They feel like everything that they do or touch will fail, even their relationship with God. Often they feel inferior to other believers and wonder why they do not have the same intimacy with God that others have.
Where was God?
God is sovereign. He rules this universe with an unmatched intelligence while at the same time not violating His original purpose for man. He wants a love relationship with man. However in order to enjoy a love relationship, man must have the potential for the opposite, which is a rejection of His sovereign rule and His love. Without your free volition, you could not truly love. Therefore, evil people do evil things. That is why so many things happen in our lives for which we have no explanation. You might ask, "Where was God when my father rejected me?" Or, "Where was God when my close relative raped me at an early age?" "I had no choice in those matters." One could ask why God allowed Job, a "perfect man," to go through what he endured. By the way, we have a booklet on that subject titled Job's Journey.[2]
No one can give you an adequate answer to those "why" questions except for the fact that we live in a sin filled world. However I believe that the Word of God gives us some answers that can bring us peace, security, closure, and purpose. Jesus' work on the Cross-and His resurrection, coupled with your new birth resulting from that work, gives you the potential, through grace, to convert every tragic experience in your life into a blessing. I believe that the more tragic the experience, the larger the potential blessing. I could not be doing the work that God has me doing in the Kingdom of God had it not been for my tragic past experiences. I know that Michael and Karen are being greatly used by God in bringing inner healing programs to scores of people in many nations only because of their tragic past. Rather than despising your past, allow God to convert your "junk" into "jewels," as defined in our book, Junk to Jewels. [3]
In addition, I think it is important to keep in mind God's priorities and purposes. I do not believe that it is God's purpose to give us an easy life, making sure that we do not suffer in any way. While He does not dispense suffering, it is a means that He uses to carry out one of His primary purposes, that being the defeat of Satan and his band of followers in finality. Job's experience defeated the satanic power in Job's realm of influence. I believe that is the primary theme of the Book of Job. Paul's "messenger from Satan," his "thorn in the flesh," (2 Corinthians 12) was defeated in Paul's life. Overcoming wounds and circumstances that produce suffering is about more than giving us freedom, it is also about defeating those satanic beings and curses that are in our realm of influence.
"I now rejoice in my sufferings for you, and fill up in my flesh what is lacking in the afflictions of Christ, for the sake of His body, which is the church" (Colossians 1:24).
Rejection really hurts, finds brain study.
Source: New Scientist - Date: 9 October 2003
Lonely hearts have spent millennia trying to capture the pain of rejection in painting, poetry and song. Now neuroscientists have seen it flickering in some remarkable brain images from college students suffering a social snub.
The brain scans reveal that two of the same brain regions that are activated by physical pain are also activated by social exclusion.
I interviewed a lady who has been a social worker in nursing homes for quite some time and has studied Alzheimer's and dementia at great lengths. She informed me that when a person has a traumatic event it causes an excess of adrenaline to pump into the brain. The result is that a "chemical marker" is placed on the brain. This marker has the potential to replay the traumatic event over and over. This lady is a Christian. I asked if she thought that inner healing and forgiveness through the Blood of Jesus could heal this issue. She said definitely yes. I submit that the marker changes from a scab to a scar. We will cover this issue in a later chapter. Former addicts tell us that they have experienced a "euphoric recall" from these markers, which are sometimes caused by music that they listened to, drugs, pornography, or other thrill causing events. Veterans from wars often suffer from the trauma they saw.
One of the products of rejection is a broken spirit.
Proverbs 15:13 says, "A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, but when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken.
A broken spirit, brought about by rejection is capable of "drying up," or taking away the desire for life.
Proverbs 17:22 says, "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones."
If the desire for life has gone, there is no chance for healing to take place.
Proverbs 18:14 says, The spirit of a man can endure his sickness, but a broken spirit who can bear?"
The most powerful positive force in the universe is the love of God.
God is love; therefore, love is God's most powerful force. We were created for there to be a deep connection between God and us. Psalm 139:13-16 says, "For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them."
Ephesians 1:4-5 says, "just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will."
We were also formed connected to our mothers. These bridges were built for love, acceptance, and worth to travel between the three, God, mother, and child. It is an emotional and even physical need; we need love and acceptance just as much as food and water. God created us with these needs because He has what it takes to fulfill these needs through a relationship with Him.
1 John 4:8,16 says, "The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love." "And we have come to know and have believed the love, which God has for us. God is love and the one who abides in love abides in God, God abides in him, and he in God."
If love is the most powerful positive force in creation, it follows that lack of love is the most powerful negative force in creation. Rejection is the denial of love and acceptance in our lives. A connection is broken when there is a lack of touch, verbal communication and the feeling of security. Touching brings people together. Physical touch is a necessary part of developing attachment and beginning communication. My co-editor, Michael, while traveling in Africa observed how young babies traveled tied securely to their mother's back. He witnessed how this brought security and significance to the child. He did not witness one child that did not look at peace. On the other hand, without the touch there is a gradual and continual wasting away. Michael was born premature and immediately separated from his mother to be placed in an incubator. Later in life during his inner healing God revealed to him when he was in the incubator how he was scared and full of fear and anger entered his life. Often our bridges become broken or damaged through rejection. Rejection is probably the most painful, the most neglected; yet one of the most common emotional wounds from which we suffer. These broken relationships and rejection issues come in all sizes and shapes and from so many different sources. Later in this chapter we will look at wounds caused in a marriage. Even at wounds caused by a church, church family or church authority figure can be damaging.
Some of the forms of rejection are denial, refusal, and rebuff, slighting, shunning, spurning, ignoring, neglecting, avoiding, and disapproving. It becomes obvious that rejection is not always physical. Nor is it always recognizable.
Rejection can lead to fear of further rejection and self-rejection. Some of the manifestations of the fear of rejection, according to the Inner Healing book we have been using are, anger, bitterness, cults and gangs, self-rejection, hurt, self-pity, despair, depression, isolation and suicide.
The Inner Healing book we are using lists in Session Four the following issues having to do with the fruit of rejection.
The fruit of rejection and reasons for rejection.
Rejection acts like a tree with a bitter root. It can only produce bitter fruit. The growth and fruit will vary with the degree of rejection. Listed below are some examples of the fruit rejection produces:
- Inability to receive love-we believe we are unworthy
- Inability to love others- we stay at a distance, not trusting
- Insecurity- we expect to be rejected.
- Withdrawal- safety in isolation.
- Suspicion- everybody is out to get us.
- Inferiority- because we feel unworthy
- Social shyness- everyone else is superior.
- Fear of failure- confirms my belief that I am a failure.
- Fear of man- "if they only knew who I was…"
- Fear of rejection- keeps us from being ourselves.
- Self-rejection- we actually believe the lies to be true.
- Daydreaming/fantasizing- we create our own reality.
Reasons for rejection.
Prenatal rejections:
1. Conceived too soon after marriage.
2. Conceived too close to the birth of a previous child.
3. A financial strain on the family is created.
4. Fear of failure.
5. Conflict between the parents-to-be.
6. Contemplated or attempted abortion.
7. Parents disappointment with the sex gender of the child.
Other reasons.
Physical problems.
Victim of abuse, verbal, physical, sexual.
Victim of Circum stances.
For instance, a baby not bonded to mother, being an adopted child, divorce of parents, problems caused by teachers or schoolmates.
God created us to be in relationship with Him as our Father; and the root issues are, the rejections from our earthly relationships, these have caused inner wounds that have affected us. The solution is simple to describe but not so simple to walk through. Allowing the Holy Spirit to lead us in the discipline of discovering the deep roots that have power in our life, then to bring them to die on the cross. It is to first forgive, be forgiven, and then pursue with all your heart your relationship with your Heavenly Father. Hebrews 12:15 says, See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
These deep-rooted rejections are developed in our early childhood and in the womb. These rejections build our belief system. For example, a couple conceives a child too soon after marriage and immediately fear enters the picture. This new father to be feels out of control because this child is unexpected and unwanted at this time. So the father in his fear and insecurity starts staying out all night drinking and partying with friends to escape the unwanted reality. At this point the young mother becomes scared and resentful believing this pregnancy has separated her from her new husband. She may even question if she should have married him in the first place. They may even contemplate abortion or adoption because of the unplanned pregnancy. All this fear, rejection, and conflict are being transferred to the baby in the womb. This rejection can be the beginning of self-rejection in the baby. The child maybe born prematurely because of the stress experienced during the pregnancy. Due to the premature birth the child was not able to bond with it's mother in the first few days or possibly even months of life because it was placed in an incubator. The rejection this child feels is intense and the roots of this rejection cause many problems. This can be the start of the anger toward God and can even be the root of a death wish because of the feelings of being a "mistake" or unwanted. There is a great deal of pain to going back and looking at deep wounds of our early years. As humans, we always want to take the path of least resistance. If we allow God to take us back to these wounded areas of our heart and heal them we will be able to walk in the freedom that Christ came to give us. It will allow us to overcome trials, rejections, and pain in our adult life.
As we showed in a previous chapter, Jesus performed a miracle as recorded in Mark chapter 2. This story of the paralytic shows us that forgiveness, i.e., the sin of rejection borne by Jesus instead of you, brings inner healing. With this inner healing the fruits and manifestations produced by rejection eventually go away.
You may not be paralyzed in body, but maybe in spirit or in lifestyle.
Maybe you are too paralyzed to stop using drugs. Maybe you are eating to medicate your relationship emptiness; maybe you are doing destructive things to your body like cutting or other such painful acts. Maybe you cannot stop inordinate sex, looking at pornography, anger, or depression. It could be simply being extremely performance oriented or self-righteous in order to cover the pain. Some use adventure, overindulging in sports and other daredevil activities, and the list goes on. Your external paralysis has an inner cure for which Jesus paid the ultimate price. Perhaps you are just not experiencing the "abundant life."
Other types of wounds, rejection from others. Quote from Dunklin. [4]
Many people come from dysfunctional homes. That doesn't necessarily mean alcoholism or drug abuse is in the home. Alcohol and drug abuse are merely forms of dysfunction. There are many forms of dysfunction, but to simplify the term, any home in which Christ is not the Head, is dysfunctional.
Physical abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse, or even a highly demanding parent can produce dysfunction in a home. The parent who requires constant perfection initiates a climate of performance orientation in the home. The child is prompted to perform to receive love and attention. This is a dysfunctional home atmosphere!
Physical abuse.
The physically abused child is immediately filled with fear and confusion. There is no doubt in its mind that it has been rejected. Deep down, feelings of anger, and a desire to get even and to punish, begin to build. Because the child has an abusive role model, he is likely to become an abuser, himself.
Sexual abuse.
The child who has been subject to molestation develops an inability to be open and warm with people. He usually displays a victim mentality, and lacks the ability to trust anyone, especially authority figures.
The wounds from sexual abuse run deep. They have caused many people to live lifestyles that are very destructive. They seem to cause despair and hopelessness. I have seen lives that have been marvelously healed and that are being greatly used by God for the healing of others.
Wrong sex preference.
A child may be very much wanted until it is born. The sex preference is a serious matter with some parents. However, no matter how strong the personal preference might be, it can be very destructive to the child for the parents to reject it because of something over which the child had no control The sex was predetermined by God and should be accepted by the parents.
Many parents are deeply disappointed over the sex of their children. The rejection of the babies may not be done maliciously, but done, nevertheless, with no understanding of the consequences.
When this wound occurs, the devil is quick to take advantage of it. Parental rejection due to the wrong sex sometimes causes boys to become effeminate, and girls to become masculine.
A child who is rejected because it is the wrong sex, will sense this at a very early age. They will often seek to gain parental acceptance by performing as one of the opposite sex.
Consequently, a child who is rejected because of its wrong sex may grow to hate and reject itself. Rejection of one's own sexuality can ultimately lead that person into homosexuality.
Because he has been "used" in an unnatural way, he feels the pain of rejection.
It seems that since the above opinion on sex preferences was written, that more research has been done on this subject indicating that after-birth rejection experiences can have more affect on sex preference than pre-birth. However, even if a child is born with an orientation that they did not choose, they can always choose to ask Jesus to change and deliver them. I have personally seen this happen in a young child.
Whatever the cause, whether it comes from a current real time wound or one from a generational sin, Jesus' work is more than enough to heal and to make things right. I have seen testimonies from people who have been marvelously set free from this tragedy. If you know someone who is living in a homosexual lifestyle, please do not place condemnation on him or her, rather say, or do something to bring him or her hope. I have heard that this type of wound causes a satanic stronghold that is one of the strongest known in the spiritual realm, and is difficult to break. It all depends upon the heart and desire of the victim. If he/she cries out for help, for the truth, Jesus will come, heal, and deliver.
Inner wounds from a broken marriage relationship.
While wounds received during our youthful years can be more damaging, wounds received in a less than perfect marriage, both on us and our children, can be very damaging and are candidates for inner healing. The Holy Spirit's ministry is to bring forgiveness, repentance, correction and consequently healing.
The marriage is a blood covenant, which like all blood covenants requires the death of both parties to serve one another. Anything short of this produces wounds that need healing both in the marriage partners and in the children. Jeremiah 34:18-20 states that the covenant breaker will be given into the hands of his/her enemies. However we know that forgiveness and repentance will take the enemy off of our lives.
The commitment in marriage is far greater than saying, "I will never get a divorce." Making that statement and then spending more time with your friends than you do your spouse will make your marriage a living divorce! The commitment is about what you will do, not so much what you will not do.
Having said all of that, God desires to cleanse you from any condemnation of a broken marriage. If you played a part in the problem, and you repent, you are forgiven; your sins are totally eradicated. If your former or current spouse has sinned against you, you must practice forgiveness in order to be free.
Some doctrines regarding divorce being the unpardonable sin are pure heresy. God never intended to infer that in the Word of God. We have a series called "Healing From The Wounds of Marriage" which is available at our website, http://www.isob-bible.org/marriage/tocmar.htm. Another great resource is a book written by Dr. M.G. McLuhan, Marriage and Divorce. [5]
God created us with a need for a father.
From what I have learned, any break with our "father" relationship is the key to our feeling of rejection and inner wounds. As mentioned before, it may or may not be a direct father break. It could be a generational iniquity coming down from former generational fathers. It simply could be the break from the time of Adam and God.
David stated it simply in Psalm 27.
David acknowledged to God that his parents, brothers and family could have been far from perfect, but that his one desire was to be God's son and then to be in continual fellowship with His Heavenly Father.
Psalm 27:10 Amplified Version says, "Although my father and my mother have forsaken me, yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His child]."
Psalm 27:4 Amplified Version says, "One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek, inquire for, and [insistently] require: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord [in His presence] all the days of my life, to behold and gaze upon the beauty [the sweet attractiveness and the delightful loveliness] of the Lord and to meditate, consider, and inquire in His temple."
Jesus did not pay the price for our forgiveness and healing just to go about our lives in the same old way. He paid the most expensive price so that we, like David, would be in constant fellowship with our Father.
In his book [6] God A Good Father, author Michael Phillips makes some profound statements about the fatherhood of God that have really fastened themselves upon my soul.
The most important truth in all the universe can be stated in four words: God is our Father. To the extent we apprehend God's Fatherhood will our life be integrated, whole, and complete in relationship to the Creator, who made us to live in the surroundings in which he has placed us.
When we read the Gospels with our newly trained eyes, we begin to see that God's Fatherhood is the single truth toward which Jesus always points. It was the entire focal point of His mission on earth.
In this mission, however, Jesus forged new ground. Aside from a few instances, throughout the Old Testament God had not been perceived as a Father. There was no doctrine of the Trinity – no concept of Father, no knowledge of Son, no awareness of Holy Spirit. Yahweh was "one." Father was arguably the last term anyone would have used to describe Him.
Nor was the Jew's religion in Jesus' day a personal one. They viewed God primarily as Lawgiver and Judge. Moses and David walked in intimate friendship with God, but not so the masses. The Law was to be obeyed, and the Almighty Judge called Yahweh stood ready to render judgment when it was broken.
Nowhere in the theological or philosophical world of Jesus' time, then, was divine character equated with Fatherhood.
Earthly fathers have dulled the magnificence of God's Fatherhood almost beyond recognition. His Fatherhood is the essential human instinct; that created yearning to look up and behold our Father" (Paraphrased by author).
Jesus came to heal and to save mankind from the broken father relationship.
I noticed in the Old Testament that often God had prompted people to leave their father's house and follow Him. There is overwhelming evidence of the corrupt fatherhood by most men throughout the Old Testament; fathers who did not perform their proper father functions of discipline, love, care, affirmation, morality, fidelity, etc.
A look and study into John chapter 8 will show Jesus' heart about this issue. While the Jews at one point stated that Abraham was their father, when Jesus challenged them they even said that God was their father. Jesus quickly informed them that actually the Devil was their father. He informed them that sin in their lives must first be dealt with in order for God to be their Father.
Most of Jesus' last words to his disciples as recorded in John chapters 14-17 had to do with reconnecting us to the Father. He spoke of the Holy Spirit coming to be our connector to Father God. Jesus is the way, meaning to prepare things and referring to the Word, but the Holy Spirit is the person who really makes the connection real-time.
Jesus is the way to the Father.
We needed someone to take our sin so that we could be one with the Father God. Jesus did that. Please always keep in mind that the forgiveness of sin is two-way. Not only are the sins that we have committed put on Jesus, but also those committed against us. In order to have continual fellowship and oneness with our Father God we need Jesus. The Word is Jesus, therefore the Word is the way to the Father. "Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me" (John 14:6).
Jesus revealed the tenderness of the Father.
"Jesus said to him, 'Have I been with you so long, and yet you have not known Me, Philip? He who has seen Me has seen the Father; so how can you say, 'Show us the Father'?" (John 14:9). If the Father is like Jesus, then we can say "Abba," Daddy, with confidence. Galatians 4:6 says, "And because you are sons [huios [7]], God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, 'Abba, Father!'"
John 16:27 Amplified Version says, "For the Father Himself [tenderly] loves you because you have loved Me and have believed that I came out from the Father." Meditate and repeat this verse! "The Father tenderly loves me!" Go ahead say it!
We have intimacy, oneness, with Jesus and the Father.
"that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us, that the world may believe that You sent Me" (John 17:21).
This Father will never leave you!
"For He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you'" (Hebrews 13:5b). You never have to fear again. Your conduct will not be perfect; you will still sin from time to time. Even then, your Father will never leave you nor forsake you. He will always be there to turn you around and bring you back. He is passionate about you.
Put a picture in your mind and heart about God's love for you and how the sacrifice of Jesus on the Cross-purchased your wholeness.
Imagine a picture of Jesus standing between you and the person who abused you, actually bearing the abuse for you. Imagine that the abuse could not actually affect you because Jesus absorbed it. This is really where Jesus was when you were rejected and abused. He was right there, taking and bearing the sin on your behalf. Also keep that in your mind when you sin against others. If you allow Jesus to absorb the sin by forgiving the person who abused you, you will be set free! If you do not accept that truth and chose not to forgive, you will continue to be a victim, and will remain a bruised person.
"Surely He has borne our griefs And carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken, Smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed" Isaiah (53:4, 5).
We can have confidence in having a Father who cares for us, and our every need.
"And in that day you will ask Me nothing. Most assuredly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you" (John 16:23). I believe I could paraphrase this as follows: "In that day, after my resurrection and when you have the Holy Spirit, you may approach the Father as I approach Him because you will have the same "name" or character that I have. He will treat you just as He treats Me. He will take care of your every need (even the discipline that you need to conform to My name)."
The solution.
If most of our inner wounds come from rejection, and the worst rejection or broken relationship is with that of a father, then the ultimate connection that heals is with our Father God. Rejection is the most powerful negative force, while love is the most powerful positive force.
Therefore inner healing has two primary steps.
1. Seeing Jesus as our sin bearer, thus being able to forgive those who rejected us and to repent for the sin that these rejections caused us to make. This is the door to the next step.
2. Being in fellowship with our Father through our continual transparency and through Jesus the Word, and building that relationship with Him by obedience and mutual interchange.
Romans 12:2 says, "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."
Jesus was rejected and wounded for you.
I pray that the Holy Spirit makes these Scriptures real to you.
"And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" which is translated, 'My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?'" (Mark 15:34).
"He is despised and rejected by men, A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him" (Isaiah 53:3).
Rejection exercise:
Pray first ask God to reveal to you five rejections you experienced before the age of ten. Then ask Him to show you what bitter roots you have because of each rejection suffered and what fruit you have in your life because of these roots.
To pray through these incidences ask God to show you where He was when this deep-rooted rejection occurred. Ask God to show you the anger and resentment you had towards Him, yourself and others because of these rejections and repent.
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[1] Inner Healing – Dunklin Memorial Ministries – used by permission
[2] http://www.isob-bible.org/lc-upload/job/job.pdf
[3] http://www.isob-bible.org/biblepick.htm
[4] Inner Healing Copyright 1992 by Dunklin Memorial Church – Used by permission ISOB.
Web link: http://www.isob-bible.org/openlessons.htm#heal
[5] McLuhan, M.G.. Marriage And Divorce. Tyndale House Publishers. Wheaton IL. 1991.
[6] God A Good Father, Michael Phillips, Destiny Image Publishers, Inc, Shippensburg, PA., 2001, Pages 43-49
[7] Huios defined in Strong's Concordance: those who revere God as their father, those who in character and life resemble God, those who are governed by the Spirit of God, repose the same calm and joyful trust in God which children do in their parents (Rom. 8:14, Gal. 3:26), and hereafter in the blessedness and glory of the life eternal will openly wear this dignity of the sons of God. Term used preeminently of Jesus Christ, as enjoying the supreme love of God, united to him in affectionate intimacy, privy to his saving councils, obedient to the Father's will in all his acts